The Phantom of the Basketball
by Squishyfox
Summary: Another silly crackfic written for a friend. Seriously, this is meant for a good laugh. The Kuroko No Basuke gang finds themselves in a parallel universe, where instead of basketball players, they are actors, about to perform the Phantom Of The Opera! But what happens when a mysterious phantom kidnaps all the actors? Can the lead teach him love?


For months, the drama club had been getting ready to perform The Phantom of the Opera, entirely performed by males. The sets had been painted. Lines had been memorized. Costumes had been made. Everything was falling into place, except for one small thing. A mysterious phantom was kidnapping the actors (and this was NOT the one in the play)!

At first no one had noticed. An actor kidnapped here, another one over there, one was even kidnapped midsentence! Murmurs of a mysterious phantom filled the auditorium, like how a vase of water was full of water. The director, Momoi, dismissed these rumours like an old holey pair of socks, but this didn't stop one curious actor from following these rumours.

The man with the fiery red hair, with an equally spicy attitude, played the lead Christine in this play. He looked like a beautiful angry swan on stage, and sounded as glorious as a lyrebird in heat. He was like a sage grouse strutting his stuff in a lek, attracting all the other sexy sage grouses (getting about 90% of the other sage grouses, for that is how leks work, usually one sage grouse gets all the other sexy grouses), if all the other actors were sage grouses. Kagami was a sexy singing beast. A sexy singing beast with the need for a phantom.

Kagami knew in his heart that the mysterious phantom was the cause of all these disappearances, not just because of all the "The Phantom did this - from Phantom", but even more than that, he felt like that phantom wanted something more.

It was the rehearsal before the opening night, and almost all the actors had been kidnapped. Only Kagami, Kise, and Aomine remained. Just as Aomine was going to say his lines, a mysterious figure dropped from the ceiling, like a super fancy jewel thief in all those fancy action films that occur in Paris or someplace exotic. He was quite possibly the sneakiest thief ever, the way he silently appeared and grabbed Aomine, and was brought back up into the sky, like a human claw game machine, finally picking its prize after a billion quarters (have you played a claw machine? Those things are tough. If you find them easy, you're a lucky duck).

Kagami looked up, and watched the mysterious figure drag Aomine off backstage, and towards a curtain hanging in the back. On the curtain were several notes saying things like "Definitely no secret lair back here", "No girls allowed if there was a secret lair here", "Please leave vanilla shakes in front", and "Do not touch this curtain for this curtain is totally just a normal curtain. Why are you still looking at it?"

"What a strange curtain, but it says there is nothing behind it, so I guess I better head back." Kagami sighed. Suddenly, a toucan flew straight for Kagami, attracted to his ridiculously red hair, mistaking it for some tasty red fruit, like maybe an apple, a red delicious apple. Kagami started yelling and shouting profanities at the toucan (which later was found to belong to Midorima, and was simply trained to become aggressive and hungry at the sight of red hair). It was like texas chainsaw massacre, but with much less death, more birds, and less chainsaws. A hand emerged from the curtain and pulled Kagami into safety, saving him the savage toucan.

"Ah, thank you-?" Kagami began, turning around and finding no one. Instead, he saw a large room with props lining the walls. There were props from all sorts of plays and musicals, everything from pianos, sombreros, fancy lights, and christmas trees. Most notable was the large cage in the corner. It was like a cage for dogs, if dogs were the size of 8 foot tall horses that were 8 feet wide, or perhaps two 8 foot tall horses that were only 4 feet wide, but definitely not 4 foot tall horses that were 8 feet wide, for that would be silly. Inside the cage were the missing actors, all looking rather bored with their situation.

"Ah, Kagami!" Akashi said from within his prison, "What are you doing here?"

"I was looking for the mysterious phantom! Was it you who saved me from that horrible bird?" Kagami rushed over to the cage, and gripped the bars tightly. It was no use, he was no Incredible Hulk, he could not pry open the cage. Really, he should of expected this considering he was red, and not green.

"No... it was I, my beautiful Christine."

Kagami looked back to see where the soft voice came from. Just as silently as he had left, the phantom had silently entered (probably washing his hands or something), wearing a long cape that said Seirin on it, and a mask over his eyes that resembled a basketball.

"Why are you kidnapping these actors!? We want to be the best actors to ever live! Acting is our lives!" Kagami shouted at the phantom.

"Lies! They have new lives now, for I have a dream... a dream to have the greatest basketball team that ever lived!" The phantom stepped closer, and took Kagami's hand, softly kissing it, then looked up. "This is no life for you, I have seen the way that basketball look in your eye when you act. The way you say 'basketball' instead of those other words when you sing. Together, along with those other guys I kidnapped, we can be the greatest basketball team in all of Tokyo, nay, the entire world! I can see the power in you, the power to slam dunk more impressively than kids dunking their tiny cookies in icing... those are dunkaroos I think. Nonetheless, please join me, and I will show you the world, for I, the Phantom Kuroko want, nay, need you by my side."

Kagami blushed, and looked away, holding a hand to his face, as if he were an anime schoolgirl suddenly getting a cute love confession in one of those adorable envelopes with a tiny heart sticker on it, and all the cute music plays with a xylophone, piano, or some shit that makes cute noises. "Phantom Kuroko... I am a mere actor that knows how to act, and nothing of how to handle balls, make slam dunks, or how many points you get from shooting from the halfway line. But I know that my heart hurts whenever I see you. I know that my angry red chili pepper head always thinks about you, and that I want to be the spiciest chili pepper for you. If I have learned anything from performing cheesy musicals, I have learned about love. Angry love that escalates quickly. And it is that angry chili pepper love that I feel for you. D-do you love me back?"

Kuroko felt a tightness in his pants, like someone had done up his seatbelt too tight while on the rollercoaster of love. Akashi and the others sat in the cage like some unfortunate fools stuck watching a cheesy porno, probably because they essentially were some unfortunate fools trapped watching a cheesy porno. Mukkun used his long arms to grab the keys for the cage, unlocked the door, closed the door, and walked over to the vending machine in the corner. If he was going to watch a bad porno, he needed snacks. He carefully counted his change over a few times, finding himself a bit short, but thankfully Tatsu, the stagehand, came over and lent him a few coins, allowing Mukkun to get a drink. Not wanting to be a rude hostage, Mukkun locked the cage again with him inside of it, and put the keys back, out of everyone's reach. He started snacking on some lemon squares, excited to see where this porno would lead, what sort of juicy directions would these lovebirds go.

Back to the tightness of Kuroko's pants, he felt his pants tighten in the same way they did whenever he looked at his secret sexy chili pepper photo collection. That sexy red chili pepper man brought passion to his pants, and more sexyback than Justin Timberlake. It was his turn to blush hard as he looked up at Kagami. He wasn't used to being noticed, much less loved.

Seeing that the phantom was feeling shy, Kagami ripped off his shirt to show off his rippling abs of wonder. They were rock solid like Brock's rock Pokemon, there were more firm than Kuroko's butt, and more sexy than that one sage grouse that attracts all the other grouse. "I rip off my shirt for you to show you my love! Remove your mask and show me your passion! Show me your love for basketball! Teach me how to play basketball, and I will teach you to love!"

Kuroko's eyes widened, as Kagami removed the mask. Apparently Kagami's demands to remove the mask were merely rhetorical like many questions are in pornos. Beneath that mask were the most beautiful blue eyes, blue like the ocean where the ocean isn't full of garbage but beautiful water full of happy little dolphins. Playful stereotypical dolphins, not the jerks that dolphins really can be. It brought a jump of joy to the sleeping beast in Kagami;s pants, and that beast wanted some Kuroko ass.

"Kuroko, I want some of your ass. I want to put my dick in your torture chamber!" Kagami shouted, very inaccurately quoting parts from The Phantom of the Opera, just remembering there was a torture chamber that was hot like Kuroko's ass.

Kagami's bulge was extremely apparent now, practically ready to rip his costume off his body with its power. Kuroko tentatively reached out and touched the bulge, as if he was curious to what it was (perhaps his cell phone had mysteriously shifted). That brought the Kagami's power level up to over 9000.

"SUPER HOT CHILI PEPPER LOVEMAKING POWER!" Kagami shouted to the heaven's, his flames of passion ripping off the rest of his clothes, and quickly tearing off Kuroko's as well.

"Oh flattering child, you shall know me, see why in shadow I hide! Look at how my arrow shoots high for you!" Kuroko's face resembled a red tomato now, so red and juicy his head may as well been full of tomato paste. "In the name of basketball and love, I hope that you punish me!"

Somewhere in the background, Tatsu took out a camera and started taking photos, quickly dusting off the piano so that Kuroko and Kagami could play their symphony of love. Mukkun and the other kidnapped actors anxiously watched Kagami bring Kuroko over to the piano, acting as his all knowing teacher in the love of making love. It was now all the hentai and shoujo anime he had watched would come into play, all those lessons about love and porn. He smacked Kuroko's ass, making a loud slap sound, like he was playing a really cool drum that was extremely sexy.

"OH, YOUR ASS IS SO SEXY. PHANTOM, I AM GONNA SHOW YOUR ASS WHAT LOVE IS ALL ABOUT! IF YOU SURVIVE THE SPICY RED CHILI PEPPER LOVE POWER, YOU CAN TEACH ME BASKETBALL, UGHHH!"

Kagami shoved his lovestick deep into Kuroko's torture chamber, which turned out to not be a torture chamber, but a tight love chamber, for maximum buttsex. Kuroko moaned, loving the power of his lovestick.

"K-KAGAMI..! YOUR LOVESTICK IS SO STRONG AND MANLY! TAKE ME ON A RED HOT CHILI PEPPER RIDE, OH~!"

Kagami's jalepeno throbbed, hot with passion for Kuroko's lovehole, a key finding its perfect keyhole. He humped Kuroko like he would his phantom body pillow, but with more love, and far less sad. It was a hot sticky job, but that was why we was the spicy hot chili pepper man. He could feel the chili juices dribble into Kuroko's cooking pot, the stew was about to boil.

"P-PHANTOM KUROKO! !" Kagami moaned, his jalepeno exploding and bringing the stew to a full boil, Kuroko's pot full of red spicy chili pepper stew. Kagami panted as he pulled out his somewhat flaccid pepper, and looked down at Kuroko, smirking. "S-so... had enough..?"

Kuroko remained silent for a few moments, just staying still. Tatsu snapped a few photos, as the snacking in the cage continued, all eyes glued on this intense scene. Finally, Kuroko started to raise, with an even wider smile. He turned to face Kagami, letting him see his Eiffel tower.

"Ohoho... I hope you aren't tired yet, my beautiful Christine/Kagami. You taught me about love, it is now my turn to teach you basketball."

It was now Kuroko's turn to have some fun, as he flung Kagami onto the old prop couch, forcing him to go on his knees so Kuroko would have access to the angry red chili pepper chamber of secrets.

"First, my dear Christine, I will teach you how to pass. See how we switched places? That is playing nice with others, and allowing someone else to have fun with the ball, or rather, balls." Kuroko gave Kagami's basketballs a light squeeze, which totally turned on Kagami like a light. He leaned in closer, and softly kissed his forehead, before continuing. "Now wandering child, so lost and helpless, listen to my guidance. I am going to show you how to perform a slam dunk. While you dunked my perfect sexy ass so beautifully, it is my turn to slam dunk yours!"

With that, Kuroko slammed his jumbo weenie into Kagami, making Kagami groan with pleasure. If basketball felt like this, he'd have to join the phantom's team! The Phantom smirked and kissed at Kagami's neck, knowing that he was getting into Kagami's head. Soon he would score the final point, and win this game. He pounded Kagami's ass hard, being sure to teach him everything there was to know about basketball.

"UGHH! Feel the power of the dunk! Feel the passion of the basketball! Working together, we will make all the shots, and be the best basketball team!"

"Oh Phantom! I FEEL THE BASKETBALL. SLAM DUNK MY ASS HARDER PHANTOM. DUNK MY ASS AND SHOW ME YOUR BASKETBALL PASSION!"

The phantom happily obliged, tearing Kagami's ass a new one. A new what? A new sense of pleasure for everything Kuroko's basketballs had to offer. It was now him who was the sexy sage grouse, and he was definitely putting on a show. He could feel the match just about to end, when his penis finally gave the gamewinning shot, the bellringer.

"OH KAGAMI! TAKE MY BASKETBALLLLLLLLL!" Kuroko made the final shot count, bringing Kagami down and screaming about the sexiness of basketball. Tears were brought to the eyes of the spectators as the pair collapsed beside each other, looking deep into each other's eyes.

"Oh Phantom Kuroko..." Kagami began, taking Kuroko's hand and giving it a tight squeeze. "I understand now. I understand that I was never meant to be an actor, but a basketball player. I will join your team. Together, we will form the new generation of miracles. Us and all those guys in your cage."

A tear formed in Kuroko's eye. This was more beautiful than that sunset he had seen with his grandpappy, where a magical unicorn flew over a rainbow. It was so majestic, but yet, this moment was even moreso.

The two of them released the other actors from their prison, which from there they went to almost immediately inform Momoi of their career change. Only almost immediately, for Momoi screamed and called the cops when she saw Kuroko and Kagami both naked and covered in goos that she did not want to know about. It was like one of those cop shows where you see crazy streakers wandering around apartments or something. Once the two of them were clothed, they informed her of their decision, and together, with the other actors, they would become the best basketball players that ever lived, and quite possibly the sexiest, for a team that plays basketball together, might end up having buttsex together.


End file.
